Self harm, suffering and the ‘punishment plan’

When one feels powerless and unseen as a child, the emotional landscape isn’t able to be expressed, and the child doesn’t get to learn how to healthily regulate their emotions. Alternative coping mechanisms are installed and one of these is what we shall call the  ‘punishment plan’.

This shows up as the person when they feel emotionally triggered by experiencing rejection, or not being seen. Instead of verbalising, and clearing this energy from the current moment, using mindfulness and rationalisation. They instead retreat into themselves, punishing the other by rejecting them, wanting them to also feel the pain of suffering that they are experiencing. This, of course, can go to more extremes by the person acting out and intentionally hurting the other, but the more covert approach is to withdraw, and then for they themselves to suffer in a belief that their pain will cause pain to the other.

“See how I suffer because of you!”

What they are really saying is ‘please look, I suffer and I don’t know what to do. Please help’.

It’s all about control. If the person doesn’t feel like they have any control over their situation, they cannot help themselves and do not know how to ask for help. 

They instead develop a punishment plan towards themselves, from the inner dialogue, 'please look how I suffer, help me because I don’t know how to understand or is my own suffering'.

This is so deeply woven into the unconscious, the person often has no awareness. They are trapped in this terrible loop of perpetuating that I’m suffering.

It keeps showing up in all sorts of ways, and can be the root of drama, incidents of shouting, screaming and self harm in all its forms.

The suffering wants to be released so it keeps coming up but until a new programmer is installed the punishment plan continues. It's time for a new plan.

Uninstalling the punishment plan

The fact that you’re reading this and if your feeling a light go on, a recognition within yourself, then the first step has been taken we have shone the light of awareness on the program so now, let’s take some deep breaths, open the heart, and look deeply from a place of truth and neutrality as to what’s been going on.

What all the punishment agreements you have made with yourself? For example;

• I will experience pain as I am bad and deserve to suffer.

• I will be single and lonely or have bad relationships where i will suffer.

• I will be a financial failure.

• I won’t allow myself to have a happy home because I don’t deserve it.

Now reflect on each agreement that you wrote, sit in a meditation position and read aloud the first statement. Tune in with your body and how this statement makes you feel, take your time and really allow yourself to feel the inner stuffing in relation to this agreement. When you’re ready, declare...

“I released the agreement that…….(say your agreement).

Take a deep breath and exhale audibly with force, the air and the emotions all the way out. Then slowly inhale love, kindness and gratitude for this clearing. You can see the somatic release section for more inspiration on how to do this release.

Do this for all your agreement, you don’t have to do it all in one session. You can take your time and do this work over several days. Now stay present to this work and if and when the program re-emerges, through your mindfulness you will be able to catch the thought form and dismiss it for what it is. Without going back into the loop. It will no longer be a subconscious program running unchecked in your life, you have taken back control.